Hello friends! I’m writing today from… a coffee shop! It’s cloudy outside, a welcome respite from a recent SoCal heatwave.
Today, I am six days away from my due date. Baby may drop any time now. There’s a quiet anticipation to it. I feel like he won’t come until on or after my due date, but really, who knows? I guess I can look back at this post and laugh about it if he comes early.
At this point, the house has been prepped. I’m on maternity leave from medical school for the next few months. I’m a few weeks ahead on my class material for my Master’s program. I can keep working on things here or there, but I finally feel like I can take a breath. Watch some TV, cook and bake, go on daily walks with our dog.
I’m sure there are things we haven’t fully prepared for, things we’re forgetting, but I’m satisfied with what we’ve done so far. And like most new parents, we’ll figure it out as we go.
This morning, I’m just soaking it in. My happy solitude in this little light-filled space with coffee and conversation surrounding. Warm in this hour of Sabbath. These moments are rare, and I know they’ll soon become even more elusive.
The first time we tried for a baby was sometime in 2020. Before that, I remember reading about how pregnant women can continue to safely exercise at the level they were exercising pre-pregnancy. That was a real wakeup call to me because at the time I wasn’t exercising at all.
I know I’ve shared about our Bryce and Zion National Park trip and how that was a catalyst for me to start exercising regularly, but in truth, the tiny seed of desire for better health and fitness started well before that trip. It started when we first thought about starting a family. I still remember leaving for that first run in the Bay Area.
And now we’re here.
In the past nine months, I’ve learned that people love to ask a few recurring questions: “Is it a girl or a boy?” “Do you have a name yet?” (This is my least favorite question lols). And some version of, “Are you ready?”
Ready ready, probably not fully, but we’re as ready as we’ll ever be.
It’s still a question I don’t always know how to answer with others. But when I take the time to ask myself, “Am I ready?” surprisingly, I have peace. More peace than I expected in this limbo time. I’m ready to meet my son.
I’m also ready to have my body back. Rolling out of bed has gotten harder. The joints in my fingers ache in the morning. My feet no longer fit in my TOMS. Cutting my toenails is a special challenge, and I can fully understand how some women cannot do this when pregnant.
Yet I feel the baby moving, dancing, kicking. I watch with wonder as he creates waves of movement under my skin. I imagine him stretching, giving a big yawn and settling back into a warm corner of my uterus. It’s still a little awe-inspiring knowing I have a little being inside of me. I cherish his every movement, knowing it means he’s active and full of life. Knowing this time won’t come again, not for him and not for me in this particular stage of my life.
I’ve written about how we’ve had to wait on our pregnancy journey. As we get so close to birth, I still have many fears. Open yourself up to love, and you open yourself to potential for pain. That’s what they say, anyways.
I am nervous about becoming a mom. I worry if I’ll be available enough for my child and for my husband while being a mom in medicine. Will he know how much I love him? Will he trust me? Will he know I’ll always come back home to him?
We’ll navigate these questions as they come. For now, the only way is through.
I know I hold worry, but I hold just as much gratitude. Gratitude for how Nathan and I have had five years together to enjoy our marriage. Five years to grow and change and walk through seasons of celebration and heartache.
Gratitude for getting to start my career in medicine and getting to relearn how to study. For having time to make friends while in medical school, build community at church, and nurture friendships even still with friends far away.
To say we have so much to be thankful for is a vast understatement. Our communities and family have literally clothed me in maternity dresses and will soon clothe our child in onesies and cutie baby outfits. I thought I might run into microaggressions on clinical rotations while being pregnant, but I’ve been met with compassion and respect (well, at least for the most part!). Our friends have celebrated with us, our families give endless support. What more can we ask for?
And now, now we step into the next.
Sleepless nights to come. Relearning my body, its new capabilities and limits. Full time baby care and full-time work and study. New family dynamics. A million little details to which we are still blind.
I don’t know what’s next, but I hope and pray that soon, we will meet our son. Our long-awaited little traveler. Very soon, I hope we will see his face.
How do I sum up these nine months of pregnancy?
In boards studying and baby showers. In registries and rotations. In baby names and night shifts. In walks through the neighborhood, prayers for his safety, and swelling feet. In parental wisdom, joyful tears, tired tears, teamwork, and taking things one day at a time.
Nine months of pregnancy. Full of so many “lasts,” which soon will be followed with many “firsts.”
For now, I’m cherishing this time. I’m soaking it all in. This momentary season of bodily discomfort, where, miraculously, I have two beating hearts inside me.
Keep on growing, little one. We can’t wait to meet you soon. You are already dearly, dearly loved.
Ahhhhhh I’m so excited for you Mika!!!! You and Nathan are going to be the best parents… <3
“For now, I’m cherishing this time. I’m soaking it all in. This momentary season of bodily discomfort, where, miraculously, I have two beating hearts inside me.“
This was very beautiful…and yes i still read these emails 🙂