Hi everyone! Today, I’m excited to share about a topic which is close to my and Nathan’s heart: Marriage in Medical School.
Earlier this summer, I was a teaching assistant for the “mock medical school” program I participated in as an incoming medical student. During this program, I co-led a breakout session about how to maintain healthy relationships in medical school. Right before the start of the school year, Nathan and I also spoke at an event for incoming medical students and their romantic partners/key supporters.
Through these events, Nathan and I have had the privilege to reflect on our joint experience in this first year of medical school. It’s been so fun sharing our experiences with incoming med students, and we hope this article can be helpful if you happen to be (or happen to know someone who is) entering med school while married!
How’s Med School Married Life?
To be real, it’s been pretty good! As I mentioned in my Year 1 Reflections post, I’ve gotten to see Nathan way more this year than I did when I was working full-time and commuting for three hours per day before med school. I get to pop into his office almost anytime I want to say hi and steal a hug.
Nathan’s workday also gives my days structure. If we weren’t married, I’d probably be a total night owl and so sleep deprived. But instead, I try to structure my day around Nathan’s work schedule, limit my study hours, and consciously take lunch and dinner breaks.
And I’m SO grateful for this structure. I tend to get 7-8 hours of sleep every night, I get to see Nathan every day, and waking up for 8am classes isn’t too painful. Sometimes I feel spoiled with how much time we get to spend together, and I try my best not to take this season for granted.
However, this is not to say that we haven’t had our difficult times too. Growing in our marriage has required daily work, openness, and teamwork. As an incoming medical student, I know I had plenty of worries about how we would maintain our relationship alongside the rigors of medical school.
So today, I just want to say: It’s not always easy, but it can also be pretty great. For the rest of this post, I’ll be sharing my top tips for helping your marriage thrive in your first year of medical school.
Our Top Med School Marriage Tips
1. Know Your Priorities
Specifically for married couples coming into medical school, this is my top piece of advice. When I started school, I knew if I wanted our relationship to grow, I needed to make a conscious effort to prioritize my marriage.
Personally, this meant setting boundaries on time spent on schoolwork and how much time I spent with classmates. For example, if Nathan and I planned to eat dinner together, I made every effort to be home for dinner. Often, this meant missing out on spontaneous meals and study time with classmates (and sadly, the FOMO can be real).
But in those moments, I would often ask myself, “What are my priorities?” This question made coming home so much easier. Because at the end of the day, our marriage is my top relationship priority, and I was always happy to come home 🙂
2. Listen Well
One of the best things Nathan and I do for each other is to truly listen when the other is speaking. For us, no topics are off limits. I listen to his work problems, he listens to my school problems. We don’t always “get” each other/the worlds the other lives in, but we try. One of the ways we both feel most loved and supported is when we feel heard and acknowledged.
For other couples, setting boundaries such as not talking about medical school during dinner can help create separation from the all-consuming world of medical school. Do what works best for your relationship, but at the end of the day, never forget to take time and listen to one another.
3. Set Realistic Expectations and Plan Ahead
The level of med school work will ebb and flow throughout the year, so setting realistic expectations and planning ahead is key, both for the good and the bad.
Plan for the stress. Expect the first few months of med school to be really hard. Once you are a couple blocks into medical school, you’ll begin to understand that the most stressful times in school are often before your exams.
Give your partner a heads up about these weeks. Let them know you might not be as available or you may need extra encouragement during these times. For myself, I sometimes let Nathan know he needs to take the lead on cooking our meals during finals weeks. Knowing when the storms will come can help mitigate stress and tension.
Plan for the fun! Finals week is stressful, but there will be many glimmers of light throughout your school year. Early in your blocks and after your finals have passed, there are plenty of opportunities to plan fun activities. Plan a day trip on a light weekend. Take a vacation during spring break. Celebrate the end of the block with a nice dinner. Take advantage of your moments. You and your partner will not regret it!
4. Never Use Medical School As An Excuse To be Unkind
Ok so this one is a bit nuanced. I’m not saying medical school should be completely discounted as a source of stress in your life (it’s a LOT and we need to acknowledge this). However, what I mean in this: medical students, don’t use medical school as an excuse for poor behavior, disrespect, or neglect of your partner.
As spouses, we need to give our partners the time and attention they deserve. It’s very likely your partner has also sacrificed greatly for you to be where you are today. They may have supported you through your schooling and application cycle. They may have moved with you. The may be supporting you financially. They are likely having to learn to live life without you while you study for hours on end.
No matter what season of life you’re in, both you and your partner will always deserve love, respect, and attention from each other. I’ve tried to make a conscious effort to never use medical school as a reason for why I say an unkind word or neglect a responsibility. In order for our relationship to thrive, we own our words and actions and hold each other accountable. Med school can be a cause of stress, but at the end of the day, we each are responsible for our own actions and efforts in our marriage.
5. Help Out Around the House
Maybe this is just me as a woman speaking, but being a medical student doesn’t give a free pass from doing housework. We both have full-time work or school, so maintaining the house is a joint effort. It’s not always an even 50/50 split, but it’s something we do together.
If you can, try and figure out what chores each of you enjoy, are good at, or absolutely hate. Not gonna lie, vacuuming is my least favorite chore ever, so Nathan graciously has taken over this responsibility over the years. Nathan doesn’t love cleaning bathrooms. I don’t mind it, so I’ll gladly scrub toilets instead of vacuum. We share responsibility with cooking, and while Nathan clears the table, I like doing dishes.
There are lots of ways to work as a team while getting the day-to-day stuff done. And sometimes, these chores can even become valuable time we can spend together
6. Be Open to Being Interrupted
As medical students, we can get hyper-focused, sometimes even forgetting to eat or drink when studying. But in the day-to-day, if Nathan needs something, I’ll most often stop what I’m doing to give him my full attention. If I’m in the middle of something important, I might ask him to wait a few minutes while I finish my task and then come to him when I’m ready to be fully present.
The key is that in any situation, Nathan knows he can approach me, and he does the same for me. (And as a bonus, being approachable and “interruptable” is a skill that’s helpful not only in the home, but also in the workplace!)
7. Thank Each Other Often / Don’t Take Each Other for Granted
It’s a little thing, but it’s a habit we’ve built into our marriage over the years. We’re very liberal with our thank you’s. And for us, it really works.
When Nathan clears the dishwasher, I thank him. When I cook a meal, Nathan thanks me. When Nathan listens to me complain about my day, I let him know how much I appreciate him.
By getting into the habit of thanking each other, even for the small things and daily chores, it helps us acknowledge the ways our spouse is adding to our lives or making life easier. Cultivating a sense of gratitude for each other strengthens our relationship. It helps us not take each other for granted. With both the good and the bad, the small things build up over time, and these little thank you’s are no exception!
Married Med School Life Can Be So Sweet
When I first entered medical school, I was so scared that school would wreck our relationship. But we’re one year in and still standing. Nathan has been my rock, there for every cry sesh and celebration.
Whether through med school or working life, having a partner who is always in your corner, who loves and supports you unconditionally, and who is willing to stand by you through it all… it’s just the best thing in the world. I’m blessed to be married to Nathan, and I hope this post serves as an encouragement to any incoming married med students. It can be done!
I know we still have a long road ahead of us with so many new experiences to come. Family planning, third year rotations, residency, and beyond. But I’m full of hope, so much hope, that we’ll make it through each stage, step-by-step and side-by-side.